PLATO’S LABORATORY

The chicken’s clothes were that of a Victorian prostitute. She wore a quite elaborate red, ankle length dress and a short black jacket. She also wore black boots and a wide brimmed, black hat with a red band around it. Her wings erupted from the ends of the short sleeves of the jacket and her beak was largely all that was visible under the hat. When she mutated from humanoid to chicken her clothes had also mutated so they would fit her new form. How her claws fitted her boots was anyone’s guess. The tips of her wings moved like human fingers and she gesticulated with them in accordance with this similarity. She was, of course, Miss Scummy Scum Scum the Time Traveller. Old Tongue and her were fresh from their recent escape from the Normality Police so Miss Scum was extremely agitated....

“How do we know they won’t attempt to follow us here through the portal in the slaughter house?”

Baphomet spoke…. “You have ended up outside of the dimension and time stream that that portal would have normally led to. If they did follow you they would probably end up in the Desolation of Cain.”

“So we are on Eden then.” said Miss Scum.

“Indeed,” said Sydny Smith the little cherub, “it seems that the portal takes people to a destination that suits their Karma. We’ve been discussing experiences I’ve been having with the same vortex that brought you here. Baphomet has told us that Malthus the evil dragon has realised that this vortex opens a doorway between Cain and their old contacts on Earth. How he accessed the vortex is still a mystery to us but we do know that it is contained within our TV amongst other places.”

“So Malthus must have his own TV.” said Plato the good dragon.

“Indeed.” said Baphomet.

“Excuse me,” cut in Blentyn Drwg, “can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?”

Inspector Noncom Failish had indeed ended up in the Desolation of Cain. He had followed Old Tongue and Miss Scummy Scum through the portal in P.C. Finnice’s chest. He’d caught a glimpse of their escape and had dived in after them while the portal was still active.

Hatred and ambition had driven him on. Hatred and ambition had blasted away his common sense. His thirst for the hunt had been his undoing.

At present he was dangling by a uniformed lapel from one of Malthus’ claws. He was in some kind of laboratory full of caged animals.

“Welcome to the Vivvy Section of the late great sorcerer Anthrax.” boomed Malthus. Goblins chattered and hissed around the dragon’s feet.

“W-W-Where am I?” stammered Failish.

“In Hell.” said Malthus.

“L-L-Look.... I-I only climbed through P.C. Finnice in order to chase the Time Travellers. Th-That’s my job. He w-w-was already dead.”

“That is of no concern of mine.” said Malthus.

“C-Can I get down now?” stammered Failish.

“If I put you down they will eat you.” said Malthus gesturing towards the goblins with his other hand.

“Oh.” said Failish despondently.

“What was that you said about Time Travellers?” asked Malthus.

“I hunt them.” said Failish with a bit more pride in his voice.

“Who are you then?” asked the dragon.

“Inspector Noncom Failish.”

“And you’re from Earth?”

“In a manner of speaking.” said Failish.

“ARE YOU FROM EARTH OR NOT?” bellowed the dragon.

“Y-Y-Yes.” whimpered Failish.

“You also travel in time in which ever direction you want?”

“W-Well....”

“DO YOU TRAVEL IN TIME IN WHICH EVER DIRECTION YOU WANT?”

“O-O-Only t-to ch-chase T-Time Travellers.”

“Who do you represent?” asked the dragon.

“The Normality Department of the Law Police.”

“Good. So far I’ve only employed humans who travel at one speed range and in one direction through time. Now I have you working for me I will be able to command your whole force!”

“B-But I’m not that high up in our ranks Mr Dragon sir.” whimpered Failish. Malthus pulled the suspended body of Noncom Failish up to one of his giant reptilian eyes and grinned....

“You will be Mr Failish.... you will be.”

Old Tongue the bearded giraffe was dressed like Sherlock Holmes. He had a Victorian over-coat and a top hat. Contrary to popular belief he did not wear a deerstalker hat. The giraffe spoke....

“So now we know each others stories. These radicals from Airstrip One are now familiar with the relationship between Earth and Eden. Bobby Rewind has had his previous experiences with the true nature of the struggles in both dimensions firmly revived in his consciousness. We are now aware of Barry Powell’s visitation and Plato, Sydny Smith and Baphomet have kindly explained what they know of this vortex that has appeared sporadically from time to time. Now I think it’s time for us to explain why we were jumping from one time stream to another in the manner that led us here.”

“Yes,” said Miss Scum, “we, too, have had a harrowing time of it recently. The reason we are dressed like this is because we had a rather nasty incident to resolve in 19th century London in one of Earth’s dimensions and along one of its myriad time-streams.”

“What did that involve?” asked Bobby.

“Killing Jack the Ripper.”

“Yes,” said Old Tongue, “I assumed the form of one Sherlock Holmes.... a detective who works outside the parameters of the conventional laws of the time.”

“Holmes is a fictional character.” said Bobby.

“He is in our world too.” added Eglwys.

“Well he wasn’t in the dimension of Earth we were in.”

“It couldn’t have been the dimension I come from.” said Bobby.

“It jolly well could.” said Old Tongue.

“How do you know?” said Bobby.

“On Earth history is always twisted to some extent by each historian that represents it. It is a particularly human trait. I have found that humans are often the worst people to go to for an account of their own past.” said Old Tongue.

“Yeah”, said Blentyn, “our government rewrites history every time they want to justify a new law. Our laws are supposed to be etched in frigging tablets of stone but every now and again they try and fool the public into thinking that a new law has been there all the time.”

“So did you get the ripper?” asked Sydny turning to the Time Travellers.

This time it was Miss Scum who spoke.... “I should say we did! I had to impersonate a prostitute called Mary Kelly in order to trap the bastard. We’d found that he was being protected by the crown so we had to “off” a number of respected members of the establishment as well as the ripper himself. It was a dreadful business but it had to be done. We met the ripper by chance but when he told us about his contacts in Cain we knew it was a problem we had to address. Old Tongue infiltrated some kind of Masonic meeting as Mr Sherlock Holmes. He found that the vortex was appearing in some kind of Victorian viewfinder. Since it comprised of two eyeholes similar to those on a pair of binoculars the masons could only receive instructions from the residents of Cain that were manifesting in the vortex. It seemed that the parameters of the viewing device were too small for the purposes of physically traversing a trans-dimensional doorway. Residents from Cain were only able to issue instructions through the viewfinder. Old Tongue came up with the idea of offering me up as a sacrifice to Cain as a way of getting a woman into the next meeting. Well I could hardly attend as a chicken could I. A sacrificial chicken wouldn’t have seemed credible in their society.”

“Well sacrificial chickens are credible on the Earth I come from.” said Bobby.

They all looked at him in disgust.

“What are you all looking at me like that for? I’m a vegetarian.”

“Well, as credible as a sacrificial chicken would be amongst some of those in your world Bobby,” said Miss Scum, “all I know is that one minute I was rapping with some chickens on a Victorian farm in Surrey and the next I was being led by Old Tongue into a near death situation with a blind-fold over my human face. Transition back from human to chicken followed when Jack the Ripper grabbed my throat. I then showed him what ripping was all about. It was his Karma for all those poor women he’d already killed as offerings to Cain. Old Tongue took out the other masons but he didn’t do his job properly.”

“Oh come on.” cut in Old Tongue.

“You didn’t top the geezer who invented the viewing device!” insisted Miss Scum.

“I couldn’t. He was an important link in the chain of events that would then lead to the invention of the TV in their world.”

“So?”

“Well I couldn’t decide whether TV was a good thing or a bad thing.”

“Ha!” said Miss Scum, “By the look of this vortex situation I would say it was a bad thing!”

“Not necessarily.” said Sydny.

“Why?” Miss Scum asked turning her beak up to face him.

“Because this vortex is only as good or bad as those who use it. Just like the TV itself.”

“He’s got a point.” said Plato the dragon.

“Anyway,” said Old Tongue, “I trashed the optical device and sent its inventor on his way. I think the pile of burnt bodies around him was enough to do that anyway. It’s just that I can’t stand the sight of grown men wetting themselves and he was in full throw when I asked him to leave.”

Miss Scum cut in.... “After that we kept manifesting at random points in that time stream in order to throw the Normality Police off our scent. They usually notice anomalies created by Time Travellers and us topping a load of aristocratic dignitaries attracted them like flies `round shit.”

“But you eluded them and ended up here.” said Bobby.

“Sure but not until we ended up in the vortex itself. I shit myself when we entered the portal in that Normality copper’s chest. When the vortex replaced the experience one normally expects from time portals Old Tongue screamed. “It’s the vortex from the optical device. We’re in the clutches of Cain!” he shouted. We expected the worst and then found ourselves here.”

“Which proves that the vortex leads to locations that suit the Karma of those that traverse it.”

“Except when you ended up in Malthus’ castle.” said Mont Mont Vinsita.

They all turned to face her with a look of surprise on their faces. The most extreme expression of shock came from the chicken. Miss Scummy Scum Scum had had just about all the shock she could manage by now....

“Who the fuck are you?” she said with her beak hanging open.

“This is the High Priestess Mont Mont Vinsita.” said Sydny flying around in an excited manner. “She is one of the only humans we know of that can travel in time and space. Recently she has been able to traverse interdimensional pathways but not of her own volition. Is your cave nearby High Priestess?”

“I got sucked into this room by the vortex.” said Mont Mont Vinsita.

“But I turned the TV off.” said Baphomet.

“I didn’t come through the TV,” said Mont Mont Vinsita, “I came through the window.” As she gestured towards the oval shaped aperture the cherub, the dragon, the three humans, the goat-headed androgyny, the giraffe and the chicken all rushed over to it. Outside they saw a sight that brought their levels of surprise to a new height. Suspended above the moat and stretching like some titanic tubular corridor into the distant skies was the vortex. Instead of using cans and pools and the moat itself as gate-ways for the mind and instead of using viewing devices like the TV as methods of physical transportation it now looked like a manifestation big enough to transport castles, forests or even whole countries. It lay in the sky slowly spiralling. Within the mouth of this gigantic tube of chaos were the spiralling patterns that formed the passage-way that all in the room had witnessed before. There were no two ways about it. This was now the vortex let loose as some inconceivably huge cosmic “Hoover”.

Old Tongue the Bearded Giraffe spoke.... “I’ll wager that that would carry all of us away if we merely leapt into it from this very room.”

“We may not have a choice if it gets any nearer!” said Miss Scum.

“This calls for a big meeting as far as Eden is concerned.” said Plato.

“Too right.” said Sydny.

“Well that might free up some time for us to find out what our alien saviour meant by us finding out why we’re here.” said Eglwys.

“There’ll be an alien representative at such a meeting.” said Plato.

“Good.” said Blentyn.

As they all continued staring in wonderment at the giant vortex Baphomet spoke.... “I wonder what’s on the other end of it.”

In the Vivvy Section laboratory Malthus had gone mental.

“WHY HAS THE VORTEX DISAPPEARED FROM THE TV SCREEN!?”

The goblins scattered. They knew it was no good reasoning with the great worm because he tended to kill everything in sight when he didn’t get his way. Eventually they all jumped through the oval shaped window and into the moat of the castle that housed Anthrax’s laboratory. There was a sound of thrashing and they all disappeared underneath the water. Whatever was in the water seemed to like the taste of goblin flesh.

Malthus was furious. All he had left were the caged animals and Inspector Noncom Failish.

“T-T-Try t-turning the set on and off.” suggested Failish as he was being swung about on the end of one of Malthus’ claws.

“WHAT!?” bellowed the dragon.

“TH-TH-The TV. T-Try and t-turn it off and on again. I-It sometimes works.” The screen had gone blank some minutes earlier but no one had touched the TV. The dragon slowly pressed the on/off button with another one of his claws. Failish gulped as the screen flashed and then went blank again. The dragon then slowly pressed the on/off button again. Failish gulped again. Nothing happened. Malthus turned to face the sweating inspector.

“P-P-Perhaps it’s warming up?” said Failish with a rather shaky tone of voice.”

“I’LL GIVE YOU WARMING UP!”

“B-But y-you s-said th-that I would run my department f-for y-y-you.”

“It just goes to show how fickle management can be then doesn’t it!” said Malthus. He then blew a block of ice over Failish and tossed him out of the window and into the moat. He leaned out of the window and bellowed down at Failish as he bobbed up and down in the water.

“The type of ice I have used allows you to stay conscious and breathe. It also allows you to hear me. In about half an hour the ice will have melted and the vampire piranha in the moat will then have you for their sport. Believe me they’re not quick eaters when they have a victim trapped like you.” He then pulled his head back into the laboratory. He then stuck it out again quickly.... “Oh yes.... I nearly forgot.... the ice is such that it will have no anaesthetic effects at all.”

The ice rolled from one side to another and as Failish span in the water he could just make out the faces of a growing number of large piranha fish who all had long fangs in their mouths. They were watching him eagerly as the definitions of Failish’s square ice prison started to change shape. The piranha did not chip away at the ice. They merely huddled in front of the Inspector’s face and stared at him eye to eye as the wall between him and them began getting thinner. He couldn’t even close his eyes since Malthus’ blast had glued his eyelids to his eyebrows. He certainly looked a panicked sight as this feature matched the look of shock that was on his face when he was frozen. On top of this the ice hurt. Especially where his eyes were concerned.

For some reason Malthus, in his rage, completely forgot about the caged animals that had been pillaged from the borders of Eden. He grabbed the TV and shook it violently. It went BANG in his hands. It was still plugged in and on top of this he had inadvertently switched it on again.

He threw it out of the window and it landed with a spladoosh right next to Failish. It did not deter the piranha from their vigil though.

Malthus flew out of the castle window howling as he went.

The badgers, moles, voles and mice in the cages breathed a sigh of relief.

Shiva opened the front door to her and Bobby’s residence in Gorman Road. She had returned from her teaching job in a local primary school. It was 6:30pm. Her time sheet showed that she worked 35 hours a week and it was on this basis that she was paid. The truth was that with extra work organising her classroom, marking books, completing new government assessment forms and setting up course work she was working before 9am, after 5pm and doing work for 4 hours on a Sunday. Her hours, in reality, were about 54 a week on average. It was the same for all primary and secondary school teachers and they were, at present, negotiating sporadic strike action through the two major teaching unions.

Apart from her stress at having to teach twenty-two eight year olds and from being under-resourced at her school she was further horrified to find that Bobby was not in and the lap-top had been left on in the living room. She turned it around to see what was on the screen and she froze in shock as the vortex spun into view.

Shiva stared at the lap-top screen for a second and then “schlup!” it sucked her in.

She experienced something like an electric shock.

The vortex once again spun into view.

She then realised she was moving backwards at an incredible speed.

The vortex receded into distance as she flew backwards through a lozenge shaped castle window and out over a moat. The vortex disappeared and a dragon poked his head out of the window. The dragon thrust out one of his giant hands and caught Shiva in mid-air. Plato then pulled Shiva into the castle laboratory and set her gently onto the floor in a standing position.

“See what happens when you turn that thing on Baphomet.” said Plato as he turned off the TV again.

“I just wanted to check if the vortex was still on the TV aswell as over the moat.” said Baphomet.

“Shiva!” said Bobby as he rushed over and hugged her.

“Where are we?” asked Shiva.

“We’ve been here before.” said Bobby.

“I do feel an incredible feeling of deja vu.” she added.

“When I explain where we are and where we’ve been before you will remember. Whatever we experience here is only apparent in full detail in our subconsciousnessess back on Earth. Now we’re back here you will quickly remember about when we were here before.”

They then both went and sat down on a wooden bench and discussed their situation separately. Bobby explained who all those in Plato’s castle were and what was happening with the vortex. He also helped her with the rush of memories she was experiencing concerning her last visit to Eden just before the forces of Cain were driven out of the Forest of Able.

Since Shiva was also a highly qualified physicist he was interested in what she would make of the vortex. They eventually joined the others as they all looked out over Plato’s moat at the psychedelic spiralling tunnel in the sky.